Unmet expectations give birth to disappointment. When something does not turn out the way we hoped it would, it's a real drag. Maybe that's why Yoda said, "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." The prequel to that line might could be, "Disappointment leads to fear."
Church people, can I get an "Amen"?
How often have we church types been in a situation of anxiety that results in church leaders "leading" out of postures of fear?
Last night as I drove my kids to karate class we were talking about math anxiety. My boy said he gets frustrated while doing math. Trust me. I understand. I hate math. If not for free tutoring, I would have never made it through college algebra. If there is an actual eternal pit of hell, it will be wallpapered in equations. Oh, and the soundtrack will be the midwestern-accented-high-pitched-male-algebra-teacher-voice I still cannot get out of my head.
I explained to the boy that when you get frustrated, it's much more difficult to perform well. We all agreed, and everything was again right with the world. As we concluded our brief foray into the human psyche, we pulled into the parking garage at the Y, got them to class, and parted ways.
I walked down the hallway, took my racquet out of the bag, and in no time flat got extremely frustrated.
Let me back up a bit.
Last week I stepped very tentatively onto the challenge court that lasts through the evenings on Mondays and Wednesdays at the Y. I haven't played racquetball competitively since high school, but after teaching the boy how to play, I wanted to get back into it. To make a short story long, I asked to knock a ball around with one of the tournament players. It all came rushing back, and I was able to hold my own.
Between last week and last night, my heart pounded with excitement to get back on the challenge court. Let's just say I got my hopes up. Last night is when it all came together, and then fell apart.
Speaking of unmet expectations. And disappointment. And fear. And anger.
The evening began with a game called "Cutthroat." Sounds fun, huh? It's basically a three-person game where the server plays against the other two players. I was actually winning when a fourth knocked on the door and interrupted. But on challenge court, four people at a time play. Them's the rules.
Bear with me, the point is just around the corner.
The fourth guy and I paired up against the other two, thus starting the doubles match. After scoring our first few points, I made one bad shot, and my "partner" started talking trash to me and coaching me and sighing and cussing and... well... let's just say he's not on my "good list" today.
But like all tough experiences, there is usually a character-forming lesson to be learned.
Here's a general truth: Affirmation and encouragement work better than criticism.
Here's another: Anxiety leads to fear.
You have probably been around church-types who are affirming, and you have probably been around church-types who are critical. Which ones do you prefer spending time with?
You have probably been around church-types who are anxious, and you have probably been around church-types who believe that God keeps promises. Which ones do you like more?
I told my boy that when you get frustrated, you tend not to perform as well. My own parental advice rang in my head last night as my frustration grew on the court. And wouldn't you know it, I did not play as well.
And then there is church.
When we "do church" out of frustration and anxiety, we shouldn't be surprised by the kind of environment it creates. Fear gets us nowhere. That's true for our personal lives, our places of work, our families, our politics, and yes, even our churches.
Kierkegaard wrote, "Hope is a passion for what is possible."
I am thankful to be a small part of a small church where passion for what is possible is leading us down a path of affirmation and encouragement. Unfortunately, that is rare place to find these days, which may be why I am so grateful.
When I get back on the court tomorrow night, especially if I have to get back on with the guy from last night, I will remember to focus on two things: 1) Try not to get frustrated, and 2) Affirm him even if he is acting like a jerk.
That may be a good formula for church as well: Try not to get frustrated, and shower the jerks with encouraging words and deeds.
That would make a good rule of life:
"Try not to get frustrated, and shower the jerks with encouraging words and deeds."
Psalm 27 begins with a line that is half prayer, half self-reminder:
The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
And then there's FDR during WWII:
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
Or to quote Pogo:
"We have met the enemy and he is us."
